


Go!

by hmweasley



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Drinking, Gen, Heavy Angst, Minor Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:42:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28068744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hmweasley/pseuds/hmweasley
Summary: Some days are harder than others.
Relationships: Remus Lupin & Severus Snape
Kudos: 4
Collections: SHIP WARS Secret Santa 2020





	Go!

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Nini1232](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nini1232/gifts).



> Written for [Nini1232](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nini1232) as part of Secret Santa on the Ship Wars Discord server. I don't usually write Snape, so I'm a bit worried about how this turned out, but I hope you like it!

Severus entered his quarters and actually took note of his surroundings. It was a rare thing for him. For as long as he could remember, his “home” (whether on Spinner’s End or at Hogwarts) had been something he had mostly ignored. To pay attention to them would be to sink into the loneliness that he knew was always floating right under the surface.

Work, potions, and even student papers—they were distractions that he could throw his all into in order to ignore everything else. That was how he preferred to live life. The small apartment he’d been given in the castle would have been preferable if it were really a void he could exist inside of instead of a place with solid walls.

Most of the time, his mind could trick him into believing that it was, but then, a particularly hard day would come, and suddenly, all he could do was stare at the blank walls or the one chair that he had bothered furnishing the place with.

One chair because when had he ever had use for another here?

He told himself that he preferred being alone, and most days he convinced himself of the lie. Then the bare room came back to haunt him.

Just as he often did in these moments, he considered transfiguring the chair with a flick of his wand. It wouldn’t be anything major. Even a different shade of green would do. A decade was a long time to spend looking at the same chair.

But, like always, he threw himself down in the chair without casting any such spell. No one would see it but him. What did its appearance matter?

It didn’t matter to him. Not really. His momentary agitation over it quickly faded as his mind sunk to lower depths. If he often forced himself to ignore his quarters, he put even more effort to shutting out the memories that began to poke at his consciousness.

While Severus couldn’t honestly say that he’d ever been happy, he had at least been happier, and he despised it. Instead of being something that gave him hope to hold onto when things were tough, the memories haunted him, reminding him of what he would never have. There had been a time when he’d thought he might get it in his wildest dreams, if not in his more rational ones, but over the years, he’d stopped having dreams of any kind.

He thought idly of the pensieve he knew to be up in Dumbledore’s office. He knew how it worked in theory, but he’d never had one for himself. That night wasn’t the first where he’d considered using what money he’d saved up to buy one. It was rare for him to buy anything at all. The school paid for his meals and his potions supplies. There wasn’t much else he had use for, and over the years, he’d managed to amass more wealth than his parents had ever seen, even if it was a tiny sliver of what a respectable pureblood would have to their name.

But almost as soon as the desire to have a pensieve came, it went.

The truth was, it scared him. His memories haunted him, but at least he was in control of them. He had faith in his abilities as an Occlumens. No one would touch a single one of his memories unless he wanted them to. A pensieve could free him, but it would also allow easy access for someone else, and Severus refused to compromise himself in such a way.

His eyes listlessly travelled to the low table across the room. The dust on its surface revealed how infrequently things were sat upon it, yet there was a glass and a bottle of firewhiskey that had been far more recently used. Having little energy to move, Severus raised his wand and summoned them to him. They left behind two spots clear of dust right where they’d been—and where they’d return once Severus was done.

He poured himself a drink, already regretting it but being unable to stop himself. It was the only thing that really helped him forget on days like these. He only wished that he could learn to love the burn that travelled down his throat, but he didn’t think he ever would.

* * *

It was impossible for Severus to tell what had woken him: the banging on his door or his splitting headache. They both slammed into his awareness at the same time, making him regret his very existence and every decision that had led him to that moment in time.

He growled as he sat up in bed and clutched at his head. Somewhere his his quarters there was a supply of hangover potions, but the incessant banging wouldn’t stop until he took care of it, and it currently took precedence in his priorities.

Never before had someone knocked on the door to the small suite he called home at Hogwarts. Not even Dumbledore had ever visited him there, and he’d gone so far as banishing the house elves from the place, preferring to take care of things with his own cleaning spells when he could be bothered.

That someone would seek him out here had him so shaken that he almost forgot his headache as he hovered in front of the door, suddenly too worried to actually open it. He could hope that they would just go away if he didn’t answer. Perhaps they would assume he was on patrol or in his office. But then again, if they had come here, they had probably exhausted their other options. There were only so many places he could be at such an early hour.

He flung open the door to find Remus Lupin standing on the other side with a sheepish expression on his face that made Severus no less appalled that he was there.

“What do you want, Lupin?” he growled just a second too late.

It was even harder to accept that Lupin would be there as opposed to some faceless entity. What hints had Severus ever given him that he had a right to come to such a personal place as this? He knew that Lupin’s own quarters were only a short walk down the corridor from his, but Severus would never dare go there. That Lupin would return the favour was one of the only courtesies that Severus would have expected from him.

“I’m terribly sorry to bother you,” Lupin replied, sounding every bit sincere. “It’s just...the Wolfsbane Potion… I desperately need some, and you weren’t in your office.”

Severus wanted to hex himself for his own idiocy. Taking the Wolfsbane Potion to Lupin had been his one job the evening before, and in his own bitterness, he had forgotten it. Now he was paying the price.

He was torn between being relieved to have such a mundane explanation for Lupin’s sudden appearance and a different bitter emotion that he couldn’t quite understand. Perhaps it was the bile burning at the back of his throat because of the hangover.

“Of course,” Severus replied dryly. “I should be making myself properly of use. It’s the only time I’m wanted after all.”

He hadn’t realized what he was saying until the words were out, but once he had, he froze, staring at Lupin’s face for any hint of how he felt about it. He glared, daring Lupin to say something mocking, but Remus didn’t. He only flinched and widened his tense smile.

He opened his mouth to say something, but terror surged through Severus at the sight. Whatever Lupin was about to say, he didn’t want to hear it.

“Go!” he shouted, not thinking about the other professors who might hear out in the corridor. “I’ll bring the potion to your office within the hour. Now leave me in peace!”

Lupin hesitated for a split second before the sparks in Severus’ eyes had him scrambling backwards. His cheeks were splattered with red, and he seemed to debate saying goodbye before he turned silently away from Severus’ door, letting it swing shut behind him.

In his anger, Severus fired a spell at the door a split second before it clicked shut, leaving a large charred patch right where Lupin’s head had been moments before.


End file.
